To His Past Love...

To His Past Love…

Photo: Gossip Girl

Hi! I know a little about you but I can say that you’re something. You know what, even though I don’t know lots of things about you, I still feel jealous. Maybe you’re so much more than just an ordinary girl, something more that he can’t just leave you to be just part of his past. You’ll never know how much I envy you, how much I wish I can take your place. I thought I can, but maybe I thought wrong. Honestly, I think you’re lucky. You are so much loved by people, and others just can’t let you go that easily. And if you ask me how I can say this, I’ll just answer you with “I know. I just know.” I know because you are lovely, you are confident, you are successful, things which I am not. I thought he got over you. He said I’m the one… that I don’t have to be jealous because now I’m the only girl he loves, of course except for his mother. And now, I know it’s just one of his lies because until now, I can say that you are still the one.

I can't compete with how long you guys had been together. 5 years is such a long time. Our 8 months of knowing each other is nothing compared to that 5 years of relationship. I feel so stupid to actually think that you two are over and that you both have already moved on. I thought he's now ready to love again. I'm also so stupid to believe all that he said. All those sweet lines he said to me that made me feel like I'm special and loved! It is too painful to realize that you are still the one who can make him happy and that he can't just leave without saying goodbye.

He may say the opposite, but I won't let him make a fool out of me again. I'm really not sure if he still loves you that much but I'm sure that he still feel something for you and that you're special. It hurts to know that for the last time, he wants to see you and not me. He wants to be with you and your family. And if that's his way of expressing his so-called love for me, I don't want it!

Maybe you two are really meant to be together. Maybe I’m the only one getting in the way. I love the man but if he really does love you, then I'm out. I'm sorry for everything that had happened. Honestly, I don't know why I'm saying sorry to you but I feel like I need to.

Perhaps the title of this is inappropriate because from what's happening between the two of you, it looks like "past" is not a perfect word to describe it.

-kath.o8-

I'M DONE WAITING. I'M NOW READY TO KISS YOU GOODBYE

Photo: Gossip Girl

I wrote this almost 3 years ago. It was posted on my FB account because I don't have this blogger acct that time. I just want to share this one here because I also find it special. And just so you know, I really thought I got over him that time, but I was wrong. Now, I'm still confused on what I really feel towards him because there's this guy who makes me feel special now. (January 25, 2014)

Date written: October 24, 2011

August 24, 2011..

it takes several years for me to get in this realization that I'm done chasing him.

I'm done loving someone who cannot love me back.

I've tried to let go a million times but I failed.

But I think this time, I succeeded!

I wish it's for last and I'm hoping it's for keeps

Coz I think I found someone I want to be for keeps.. :)

(meron na nga ba?? HAHA! joke lang yan.. wla pa. sna nga meron na. hehe! :) )

It takes a lot of effort for me to finally say goodbye.

I've done million things.

It taught me so many things.

I never thought that just by reading a novel which I thought was just like the same novels I'm into,

I'll get to the epiphany that I'm done now, that I need to stop it coz if not, my life will be stuck on him.

I don't want that kind of life anymore! Living in a fantasy which stops me to live in the reality.

I'm tired of giving, waiting, and loving someone whom I know that whatever effort and time I give...

still in the end, he won't see my worth.

It left a big damage in my life.

I don't have any idea on how can I let you go at first...

coz maybe my life revolves around him for so many years.

But now, I think I  can finally build a new life, a new Kathleen Ann Quejada Pastorfide.

Someone whose name will not be connected to him.

A life that I can live with my family, my friends and for the person who's willing to be a part of my life in the future.

I've finally have the courage to stop

Because I know that's also what he wants.

I'm done waiting, I'm done trying to get his attention..

I'm done hoping he'd get to see me the way I see him.

I'm done wishing for him to love me back.

They said...

"It's hard to forget someone from the past when that person has been the one you ever wanted in your future."

I agree with it. Maybe because of it, I really find it hard to let go.

I live my life for 6 years wanting only him.

But maybe, it's really a part of God's plan.

Maybe, He wants me to experience the feeling of giving someone an unconditional love.

I want him to be happy, I hope both of us will be happy...

Maybe, it's not meant to be that we will be happy with each other

But all I want is for him to be happy with someone who will love him unconditionally

And for myself, of course, I also want to be happy BUT with the right person...

with the person who's willing to accept my imperfections...

with the person who's willing to be with me and love me with all his heart.

Don't get me wrong...

I'm still grateful that I met him at least I learned to love someone so deep.

I learned through every happiness, pain, love, and heartaches.

Many people might think that I'm crazy for these past few years...

I can't blame them for I think I'm really such, especially on those times that I'm really head-over-heels with him.

Now, every time I remember those stupid things that I've done...

I can't stop myself from thinking that I'm really crazy...

Maybe if there's an award for being crazy, insane or stupid...

I'll be the one to claim that award.

Sometimes, all I can do is laugh whenever I remember it...

It feels so humiliating! It feels like I want to dissolve like an ice. :)

As difficult as it may seem, I know that in the end, all of my feelings will totally fade.

Maybe now, when I rate my feelings for him, there's still 20% that is left

But in time and maybe in a couple of days, weeks or months,

I'm confident that it will all disappear.

Of course, all heart gets tired.

And this time, my heart really is tired to love him.

I'm proud that I can let go of him now.

For six years, I've been praying for this day to come

and now, it really came and I'm really happy about it.

The memory of him is now just like a sunset,

At the end of the day, the shine or the light of the sun will disappear,

just like when the heart gets tired, the feelings for someone can fade or vanish instantly.

Maybe he's my sun for those past six years..

I also compare him to a star...

looks like he really mean the world to me in those times. HAHA! :)

I can't believe that I finally have the courage to stop,

to said to myself that "Kath, it's really not worth it, it's really not meant to be coz you've done all your best, you've given all your efforts and you spent your past six years loving and giving the best for him but looks like it's still not enough so maybe, it's really not meant to be so LET GO. LIVE your life as best as you can, and LOVE the person who's willing to give the love you deserve." :)

np: Today My Life Begins by Bruno Mars

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAq9ZUTo1Dc

This song is really perfect! I can relate to it this time. This song expresses my feelings right now. :) Bruno Mars deserves a thumbs-up from me. HAHA! :)

To you, thank you for everything! Thank you for all the memories, for bringing out the best in me and for making me strive harder for me to be better. I love the "KATH" (myself) now, the Kath that is like this because of wanting to be the best for you. THANK YOU SO MUCH ******! :*

P.S. wag ka msyadong mabait, nkakatakot eh. Mas mahirap pag ganun, bka magtuloy tuloy pa dn. :|

HAHAHAHAHA!! :) 

..."I'm still thankful na di lhat ng gusto ko nkukuha ko at di lahat bnibgay saken ni God ng ganun ganun nlang kc sobrang nafi-feel ko na dahil dun, i'm a lot better person than anyone else. Di man binigay saken ni God yung nag-iisang taong pinagprepray ko na ibgay nia saken dati, at least dahil dun sa experience kong yun, I'm proud to say na ang dami kong natutunan at ang dami kong narealize. Madaming bnigay saken c God na higit pa sa hinihingi ko skanya. :)"

*crossed finger* I hope this is really for keeps because honestly, I've been keeping it as a draft for so long. HEHEHE! It takes months for me to publish it because I still want to make sure that when the time comes that I'll have the courage to post this, I want that it's really the last time that I will fight for him and hold on. :)

"It's the start of something new. It's not really an end, it's just the start of a beautiful beginning for me."

GOODBYE... :)

coz I'M DONE WAITING. I'M NOW READY TO KISS YOU GOODBYE. :)))

-kath.o8-

For you... I love you...

I wrote this almost 3 years ago. It was posted on my FB account because I don't have this blogger acct that time. I just want to share this one here because I also find it special.

Date written: July 24, 2011

--------------------------o O o ----------------------------

-random thoughts-

note: it's not a poem. Again, I just want it to be that way.. :)

For so many years, I've been in-love with the same person..

Every year seems to be a very challenging part of my life.

He has been a part of my story for a history.

He's been my trademark for years.

Whew! It's so hard!

I want to be better for this person.

I want to be worthy of his time..

I want him to appreciate me but still, he didn't.. he can't.. after all this time!

I like him, I want him.

Everyday, I'm falling in-love with him.

But he wants her, he likes her.

He's in-love with her.

Where will I go? Where is my place?

I want to be with him, but he dreams about her face..

(I'm not sure who she is but she's so lucky, that's for sure)

What makes her so much better than me?

Is it because of my imperfections so you don't want me?

I used to say it's okay if you really can't see me that way..

But I can't deny the pain that my heart is going through.

By the way, It's killing me inside.

--------------------------------- o O o -----------------------------------

There are so many things i want to tell you..

things that was left unsaid..

Paulo Coelho once said, "Life is short. There is no time to leave important words unsaid"

But what will I do? My lips can't say a word to you..

Just my eyes which shed tears for you.

Believe it or not, you're everything to me..

you're everything i want..

And if I could have just one wish..

I'd want you by my side..

Loving you seems to be a wrong move.

I'm sorry, I can't help it.

6 long years, I've been longing for you.

I can't fight this feeling, I've tried a million times.

I'm sorry.. it really controls me..

Looks like I'm stuck with every moment we have.

Maybe you think that I'm so strong because I can still be as cool as the others in front of you

but you know what?

At the back of that cheerful girl is a weak person trying all of her best not to look like a loser in front of you.

Deep inside, I'm so attached to you.

It kills me inside knowing that no matter what I do or no matter how much I love you,

What we have won't change..

Being friends is all we could ever be.

I feel so alone, so sad, so empty,

I'm torn apart inside..

I wish this feeling just fade but looks like it's still bursting inside..

I love you so much but you can't love me back.

Yes, it's a one-sided love.

Whew! it hurts so much.

It brings so much pain to think that this is all happening to me..

Am I too bad to experience it?

That's the question I wanted to ask

because I still believe that it won't last..

I want to do so many things..

things that will prove how much I love you..

things that I'm hoping you'll appreciate..

things that will tell you the things that was left unsaid..

But looks like you're too blind to see any of it..

You're the guy I want to spend every important holidays with..

the guy I want celebrating every anniversaries with..

the one I want to introduce to my family.

And the guy I want to spend forever with..

I want going to church with you every sunday, the one I'm going to surprise..

the one I'm sharing my stories..

the guy whom I can lean on when I'm sad..

And lastly, the guy who will never leave my side..

I want to be the girl who will always be by your side..

the girl who will surprise you in every important occassions..

the girl whom you can always count on in either happy and sad moments..

the girl whom you can say mine..

And the girl who will not leave you behind especially when you want me to stay..

I want to be the reason behind your happiness..

I always dream that one day, I'll be the reason for your smiles..

I can't even remember the time when you notice me..

the question is.. "Did it ever happen?"

I can never be the person that is missing from your life..

Because I can never be the "everything" that you like..

I'm the one who's always here,

the one who's sacrificing..

the one who's loving you so much..

but why do it needs to be like this?

I'm still the loser after all of these.. :(

I've been doing so many things to let go of you

but nothing has change, still, no one can take your place.

My feelings for you gets deeper everyday..

I'm scared that I can't let go,

not for a second, a minute or a day. :|

I want you to stay..

Can you please stay with me??

If you'll ask me to stay and not leave or stop..

I promise you, I'll stay with you forever and won't stop..

I won't be apart from you not even for a day..

but I know it will never happen..

It's a sad love story that we have, I know.. :|

I'm sorry for loving you so much..

I'm sorry I care.. I'm sorry I did those things just to make you stay..

I never want to lose you..

but you need to go..

to be with someone you love..

to be with someone you need.

And sorry for me, that someone isn't me.

So maybe, I need to stop loving you and bid my goodbye

I guess it really wasn't meant to be.

I gave my all, I've tried..

But still in the end I need to ask,

Am I not good enough that's why I need to say goodbye?..

I won't ask you why you can't love me back

because i feel like I know the reason..

I just believe that time will mend this broken heart..

I'll let you go now even if I love you so..

But let me ask you this..

Is this what you really want?..

Is this what will really make you happy?

Please tell me what can I do to make you happy

Nothing I ever say seems to come out right

I'm losing control of my heart..

I'm sorry if I love you so much..

I'm sorry if I can't help it..

But just one look and smile from you..

My heart suddenly jump into so much happiness.. it's palpitating..

OH MY! it's not right.. :|

I don't know how to end this

because I know that I can't endure ending this..

But at the end of the day, there's always a reminder that says..

"Kath you need to let him go..

Because he wants you to let go.." :|

-whew! still deeply in-love with this person.. *haist*

I hope one day, there will be someone who will love and accept me for who I am and for everything I have. Just like what I am always saying...

I'm not wishing for a guy who came from a royal family like Prince William or Prince Harry. I'm not hoping to be a princess or a duchess rather, just like Kate Middleton now. I'm not yearning to live in a castle/ palace like living in a fairy tale world. What I'm just hoping for is to find and to have that right person who is willing to be my very own prince charming and someone who wants me to be his own version of a princess. Maybe we will not live in a castle/palace but in a big house which is enough for us to live in a full of love and happiness life. Not in a fairytale world but in a fairytale-like world where we will also have our happy ending which is to live happily ever after.. :) Kathleen Ann Pastorfide

If he's not this person, maybe I'll be sad but still, life must go on.. there's a wonderful life that's waiting for me. I just want him to know how much he means to me and that I will not be running out of ideas to show him how much I love him. Maybe when the time comes that I'll start to accept that we're not meant to be together, I will be able to start again and stop doing this kind of things. I hope that I can be happy even if it's not with him. I don't know why I can't forget him! *hmpf*

I want to share this note to you because you're important to me. I want you to read this and learn from my story..I've been in-love.. I've been hurt but still, I'm hoping to find that special someone who will love me back.. the one thing that the guy in the story can't do. :(

for YOU. Thank you and I'm sorry. :|

I wrote this almost 3 years ago. It was posted on my FB account because I don't have this blogger acct that time. I just want to share this one here because I also find it special. There are 2 more notes that I wrote almost 3 years ago, and I already planned to post them here as well. :D

--------------------------- o O o ----------------------------

note: this is not a poem. I just want this kind of format. I don't know but this format made me finish this.. HAHAHA!! maybe it's my charm in writing.. :)

******, the Cyber Dude

April 2009…

Another ordinary month for me,

Ordinary in the sense that it started out like any other month

Every day is not special.

No monthsaries to celebrate. No boyfriend to greet

“Good Morning!”, “Good Afternoon!”, or “Good Evening!”

There’s no special someone whom I can say “I love you!” or “I miss you!”

April **, 2009…

That day, I was totally sad for it made me think

That it was the time when I had to bid good bye to my friends,

And to the person I truly love.

That was the time that I wondered what it’s like to be in College

as well as the time to start forgetting the person who had always been the reason for my heartaches…

Until…

I knew you and changed my life.

We got to know each other with just a click away.

That time, I thought our conversation will just last that very same day,

For I don’t have time to flirt with anyone.

What I just need is someone whom I can talk for that period of time

Because I’m depressed. I feel so alone.

And then, I got the chance to know you well.

We exchanged personal information:

Name, age, location, school, course and many more.

You open my mind about the wonder of being a TEACHER.

Honestly, at first, I don’t feel like opening my account on YM,

But I felt something.

It’s like something pushed me to open it.

My instincts said that.

So I signed in and joined a room,

Something I’m not really doing.

I just did it for fun and for me to have someone to talk to.

That day, I never expected that I will know you.

I got to know the person who will love me with all his heart.

May 31, 2009,

A very special day for me,

The day you said “I love you!”

I believe it for I felt the sincerity.

But maybe, we are born to just met and know each other.

We are born to be just friends,

As well as to be hurt by each other.

We’re not meant to be happy,

To share a wonderful relationship.

For, we’re just two ordinary people who are not compatible.

We’re too different.

I'm childish, you're matured.

I’m a drama queen, you’re grown.

Sometimes you’re warm, sometimes you’re so cold and mean.

You’re too straight forward, looks like you’re really into it. (you're really into what we have)

We’re like cat and dog. Enemies! 

Maybe, we just need to accept that our differences will always make us fight.

And it will just lead to our misunderstandings.

I’ve doubted you, your feelings for me, and your sincerity.

I’m sorry.

I was too blind because of my feelings for him.

I have taken you for granted, for whom?

For someone who cannot see my worth?

For someone I considered my everything?

I was overruled by my feelings.

Now, I feel like someone like him. Numb!

I accused him for being so numb, but right now, I think you also considered me as such.

I’m sorry!

Photo: Bridget Jones' Diary

If I could just erase, forget my feelings, I will do it.

If there’s anyone that I wanted to be “THE ONE”, to love, it’s you. Why? because you love me and care for me too.

I like you but I know it’s not enough. I care for you but that’s not what you want.

You want me to love you, to be yours. That flatters me.

I want also to love you, to be yours and you to be mine but, I can’t.

It’s true, I really want to but I can’t, because of one person that has always been the reason why I can’t love someone who love me back.

Someone like YOU... 

- I want this to be on my novel. I don't know if it's good enough but still, I want this to be there because it's very important to me, especially because it is for the person who has played a big role in my life. Maybe, unlike the others, he has been a part of me for just a short period of time because it last for just a year however, this person was the one who have made me feel so special and that I'm worthy to be loved.

I want to share this story of us. It's a simple story about my journey of being loved by someone but still cannot be happy with him. I have given a chance to met someone who will love me with all his heart but I cannot love him back because of the fact that I'm still torn with the person whom I've been loving for so many years now. :|

Sorry to disturb you. If you don't want to read this, it's okay with me. If you received this note, it only means that you're very special to me so I'm sharing this story with you. You can just erase it after reading. Thanks a lot! :)

-kath.o8-

07/20/2011