Do I still love you?

This was written last October 10, 2013. I know it’s late but I just didn't feel like posting this that time. Now, I still don’t know how I feel because of one unexpected thing that had happened recently. Wait for it in my next blog. 

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For months, I've been thinking on what I really feel. Do I still love him or not? That’s one of the many questions I have in mind, always. When will I know the answer to that question? Many said that what I can only do is to listen to what my heart says and on what I feel towards this guy. I have been in-loved with him for years now, to be more specific, it’s been 8 years. 8 years of loving someone who hasn't even given time to talk to me and clear everything. I’m scared that he thinks ‘talking’ is not needed because there’s nothing to talk about and because it’s only been a one-sided love ever since. Am I really asking for too much? I know I don’t have the right to ask him for his time but this time is very important to me. This will be my door to realizations and possibilities. I just want to ask a little of his time to just talk to me and say in front of my face if he really didn't feel the same way. I know many of you would say “She’s just hurting herself or she knows exactly the answer to her question or he never loved her. It’s so goddamn obvious.” But you know what, even if I know that there’s really a big possibility that that will be his answer to me, I still want it to come to him personally. That’s the only wish I’m asking from him. It is okay if I’ll get hurt, if it makes me cry, if it makes me weak or if it makes me look like a loser even more, but the thing is, as much as I want to just read him between the lines, or rather read him with his actions, there’s something in me that’s asking him to say it in front of my face. Maybe because I don’t want to be haunt by these “what ifs” anymore.  And maybe because there’s still a part of me that is so desperate that after all that has happened, I still want to know if there will come a time that he will love me back or if he have loved me back. Sometimes, I pray to God that I hope one day, he’ll come to me and just be honest with me. If he really doesn’t love me, then say it straight to my face. If it has to be said angrily, I think it is much better. Say hurtful words so that all I can feel is anger towards him and maybe after that day, I’ll learn to let go of him and not love him anymore. I can’t really express in this how hurt I am for experiencing this kind of love. Yeah, I admit. I have also been happy because of him, but many times, I only feel hurt. I’m always asking if why this is happening to me, if I done a very big mistake in the past because you know what, I want it all to stop. I want to know what it feels like to love and be loved. Not that I never felt those feelings but yeah, I know how it feels to love because of him and I know how it feels to be loved because of those wonderful guys who made me feel like I also deserve to be loved however, I want to know how it feels to love and be loved by one person at the same time. The time you can really say the lines, “Finally, the feeling is mutual” or “I love him and he loves me.” Is it really too much?

As for the question, ‘Do I still love him?’, it occurs to me again because for these past 2 years, it felt like I don’t think of him that much. Maybe because I kept myself busy on other things and there are others who made me think twice about how I feel for him. But I won’t lie that sometimes I still think of him and I miss him a lot. And if I ever get the chance to see him, I would feel so nervous. All my fears and worries will come crushing to me because I’m afraid of what will I feel. Then it will happen, the answer to my questions, I believe. I always feel the butterflies in my stomach. I still can’t look into his eyes. I still want to see him, to be beside him, and to show him how much I still love him. There are also times that I feel the urge to cry because of the mixed emotions I feel when we’re together. So after all of these years, what do I really feel about this guy? I don’t know. I’m not sure anymore, or should I say, I’m hurt too much that’s why I’m going to just pretend that I stop loving him and that I’m happy.